I'm not quite sure where to even start this. My friend nudged me the other day as I hadn't been here lately. As the director of Children, Youth and Family ministries at my church- this is prime time- busiest time of the year. I have so many things packed in to the first couple weeks of fall programming that I have been drowning in work and trying to do it with three kids at home who are making each other (and me!) crazy as they are more than ready to go back to school. I've been burning the midnight oil and candle on both ends every day for a couple weeks and truth be told, I am exhausted. As guilty as I have felt in not coming and sharing all my grace moments, there has also had to be grace in that. Because at the end of the day I have learned I can not do it all. I can not do every last thing I wanted or hoped or set out to do that day. I am one person and there are only so many hours in the day.
As a perfectionist, that makes me crazy. It's hard for me to view my not coming here each day as I hoped or planned as anything but a ginormous colossal failure, and yet I can't hold that belief. I can't hold it because I know that this has been anything but a failure. While I haven't been good about coming here in recent days, every day my mind has gone to grace and it's held it. It's helped to shape my thinking and perspectives and the ways I've cared for myself. It hasn't been perfect. I have struggled immensely. And yet the project for me wasn't about simply writing about my grace. That was just a bonus. For me it was actually being mindful of it and doing it and that, my friends, I am happy to report has not been a failure.
As an all or nothing person, I sometimes struggle when I can't do things all the way or give 110%. I struggle when I have to give a "C" or "B" effort vs an "A" and if something can't be done right, I often just assume not do it at all. And yet that is exactly why I need to be doing this. Why I need grace. Because for me as a single mom of three, I can't do it all. I can't give 110% all the time. I can't possibly do "A" work always. I just can't. And so I do the best I can. Am learning to do the best I can. And so I am back here. Because while it hasn't been perfect, it's been grace and that's what I've needed.
Since I am here, I wanted to share a couple bigger grace moments for me as of late. I've had days that I have struggled so much and yet been so grateful for my awareness of the struggle and for it then allowing me to seek God and to ask him to help me and to show me His grace instead. He has shown me and helped me to find grace for me when I otherwise was having a hard time doing that.
A big example of this for me was this past weekend. While out walking my friend's dog on a secluded part of a trail, I had a gentleman expose himself to me and proceed to follow and pursue me. I was trying so hard not to engage in conversation or anything with him and to simply get away that I tried at all costs to avoid eye contact or any interaction. Because of that, when it came time to give a description to the police- I realized I couldn't tell them with any level of certainty one thing he was wearing. Not one. Not color. Length of sleeves or pants. Nothing. And I wasn't and still am not sure if my mind in the fear and trauma blocked those details out, or if I was trying too hard not to look, but regardless, my details and description of him was lacking. When I shared with my mom what happened she asked about if I gave a description to the police. I told her I felt bad that I couldn't recall what he was wearing and she instantly got down on me and scolded me. I felt awful. And for the first couple days felt I'd be fully responsible if he never got caught or did the same to someone else because I hadn't given a good enough description of him.
Finding grace for myself in this has been incredibly hard. So hard. And yet, I think I finally have. I think I have finally given my grace to accept that what happened was scary and traumatic. That him not being found or repeating the offense to someone else would not be about me and my lack of being able to recall details about him, but rather his own mental state and sickness. That my instinct to get away was more important than further risking my safety to soak in a big long look at him in the chance he'd still be around when the police showed up.
The event I experienced was traumatic enough and I realized I didn't need to make it worse by holding those things over my head. Grace for me has meant being more gentle with myself and allowing myself an opportunity to heal from a traumatic event, vs be more traumatized by it.
For me, grace has also come with allowing myself to experience feelings towards situations in a non-judgemental way. I've had a string of crummy news and events come my way these last days and they have stirred up these horribly strong feelings inside of me. Feelings I haven't liked or felt good about. Feelings I just assume not have. Feelings, that I feel just aren't a reflection of who I am or want to be. And yet as I have looked at each individual event, I have come to see the ways my feelings were justified. Ways that they were valid and reasonable. At the same time, I have been able to recognize how they have been helpful or hurtful for me and to seek God's help in changing those that aren't productive or helpful to me.
Somehow this has helped free me from my feelings and to make more peace in them. I have come to see my humanity and vulnerability in them and I don't like it, and yet I feel like I am embracing it. I feel like I am not fighting them quite so hard and that is a gift to me.
Finally, grace has finally confronted me with what I expected to be confronted with long ago and seems like it's finally found me in a different way. In all the busy, in all that has been going on, in all the crummy- I haven't done so great at keeping or making myself a priority. Of loving on myself or pampering myself. Of keeping my own well full. And when I started this, I thought those were the things I'd go to and try to focus on and make grace happen in first. And yet that's not been the case. But now, finally now, I have come to find a different kind of knowing how part of grace is loving and caring for what you've been given. And I've not done great with that these last days. And so grace is deciding to get myself flowers at the farmers market. Grace is making plans to go to the State Fair this weekend vs spend another whole weekend working and running myself further in to the ground. Grace is taking the time to find a body wash that smelt good and would be soothing to use vs just quick choosing what was cheapest. And these haven't been big things- but they've been things. And in them I have come to see how far I have to go in the self grace department. How far I have to go in the being intentional to care for this self and body I have been given. How far I have to go to take care of me better so I can better serve and take care of others.
Life has been horribly busy and full lately. I am grateful that grace has continued to flow through this time and to be persistent despite me. And yet isn't that what grace is all about? It is given inspite of us. In spite of all we do and are or don't do or aren't. It is the truest and most generous act of love. I am so grateful for the ways I have been experiencing that love. Praise be to God for those. It hasn't been perfect but it's been persistent and that's all I can ask for. It has helped me see my weakness, and more greatly helped me see God's strength. If nothing else comes out of this, I am ever so grateful to have that. Though I can tell there is far more coming out of this little experiment than even I ever thought or hoped. For that- to be continued..
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