Hindsight

There is this new ap (or newer, by ap standards I suppose!) called Timehop. It pulls together for you all of your old FB or other social media posts, pictures, etc from this same day a year ago, three years ago and five and six years ago. Mostly it's fun to look at and see old pics of the kids or remember things that happened. However, I've found that as much fun as it brings in those regards, it's also proven to be fairly disheartening to me in another.

I have noticed a remarkable trend in my posts from specifically five years ago. As I have read them I have found them to be very dark, and pessimistic and lacking any kid of hope or positivity. I remember struggling then, but I didn't remember it being like that. As I read them I wonder what people thought who read or saw them each day. What they thought of me. My life. My attitude towards it all.

Frankly, I don't like those posts and I don't like the person writing them. I don't like to see that was what my perspectives were like or how I viewed the world. The glass always seems rather half empty than full and there are only cloudy, dark glasses verses any kind of rose colored ones.

As I read these posts and wonder about this person who wrote them, while it would be easy to get really down on myself and feel ashamed or many negative things, the thing is as I read them- they make me sad. They make me sad that life was the way it was and more than that, that I couldn't find any light in it. I am so void of any kind of light in me and it just makes me, well..., sad.

In that sadness though, also comes gratitude. I went through a very transformative experience in terms of my faith and spiritual life almost three years ago now and it changed my perspectives and frankly so very much about me. As I read those posts that are so full of pain and void of hope, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the gift that God gave me of his love and grace and that it persevered and broke through those walls that were around my heart at that time. I can't help but feel a gratitude that even though there are still long days and rough days, that they aren't like what those days were like because in them now there is a light and a hope and a sense of future- even in the darkness. Because the light always shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot over come it.

Sometimes it takes something like this Timehop ap to show us how far we have come. To give us that hindsight we need to put our current situation or reality in to perspective.

Today I am grateful for this gift and for the grace that it gives.

No shortage of Grace

I have been feeling bad as I haven't been here the past few days. When I started this blog, the intention was to come each and every day for 100 days to write. It seems though like even in that there has been a great need for grace.

The thing is, there has been no shortage in grace these past few days. In fact, there has been an abundance of it. So much so, in fact, that at times more than my exhaustion at the end of the day or lack of time, what kept me from posting was that I simply didn't have the words. I simply didn't feel like they could do what I had experienced justice, and I struggled to know how to share them in a way that seemed to give them the value that they deserved. As much as it would have been easy to simply stop writing this in having not met my goal with perfection and having missed days, I decided I didn't want to do that- because even though I didn't come here to share the grace these last days- the truth is there was a fullness and depth in the graces I experienced during that time that seems it would be a great disservice to me and any of you who have been reading it to simply stop sharing them. And so I am back here and ready to share again.

Tonight I snuck out to my front step to get a few minutes break from my uber crabby and clingy kids with a glass of wine and desire to do nothing but sit and be and escape. As I did so, I found myself pondering my last days and how full they have been. It is an extremely busy time as a Youth and Family Ministry leader getting all the things ready for the fall and fall programming. As I have had that to do, I had also taken on additional things like planning a brunch for our new Worship and Music Director, said I'd cover preaching a couple Sundays, signed up to volunteer at our church's homeless shelter we support, etc. All those things, while good, in addition to all of the normal life things I've had, have made for some very busy and full days and left little to no pockets for me to just have time well, with me! Alone! And not doing a zil things! And yet even in that, as I've looked back on these days and took in the weariness I'm feeling, I did so with gratitude. With an inner sense of God's presence in and through them, of his work in my life and of his peace.

I got some news the end of this past week that was difficult for me to receive. I had hoped for different words and a different outcome to a situation that was very important and carried a lot of weight, and that outcome did not come. Instead I was met with the very one I dreaded and feared the most. Yet, just as quickly as the news I ended up with came, so did God's wisdom, perspective and grace. And in that I reacted very differently than I thought or anticipated I would. I was ok when I didn't know if I would be ok. And the same has been true through all this busy-ness and all of the new things that have come up as of late. Just as I have been met with so much to do, with things that haven't gone well or as planned, with challenges and little pockets of down time or time for me- I've been equally met- or perhaps even more met, with God's presence, his love and mostly his grace. And that has brought in so many of these situations a peace that truly surpasses all understanding, and also a sense of pride in myself for the growth to be able to accept and hold those perspectives and to accept those gifts that God has given me.

I haven't been good about being here in recent days, but I've been good about being open to the gifts that God is offering me, and in offering myself some of those same gifts in return. As much as I want to get down on myself for not doing this as I planned or hoped, I think even that is an example of how things have gone for me as of late and yet- and yet- in it- is still grace. Is still the ability to come back after days away and to say that God is here and He is good and I am still here and seeking and experiencing his grace and my own towards me each day in ways beyond what I even expected.

This blog wasn't about simply writing. It was about experiencing and doing things differently. Doing life differently. Previously, I'd of likely buckled under the lack of perfection of keeping this every day and thrown in the towel. Quit. Considered it a failure. I'm not doing that. Today I am here because grace has been here. Is here. Will continue to be. And that's the beautiful thing about it. No matter how far we fall or fall short. No matter how undeserved or unearned. It is still here and freely given in love each and every day if only we choose to accept it. And frankly even if we don't! It's our loss.

Today- today I chose the gain. Because grace is worth it and new life and perspective are worth it.

Thanks be to God for that.

Zits and grace

As summer break nears it's end, I guess you could say it is starting to take it's toll on me just a little. As an introverted single mom of three kids, while I enjoy spending time with them and venturing throughout the summer, come this time of August I am almost always ready for them to go back to school. Especially weeks like this one when the weather is crummy and we have been all cooped up inside. Everyone is tired and crabby and a lil bit stir crazy. We've braved the rainy skies and gone on a couple of walks, but they just haven't been enough to bring us all back down to earth a little.

As an introvert, my personal energy renewal requires time apart from people and alone. While I generally enjoy being around people and work in a very heavy people contact profession, in order to recharge my batteries and feel like I have something to offer, I require time to myself. Time to lay on the couch, zone out to a lil Little House on the Prairie or something, and to just be. And to be at it- alone.

It is difficult to get those moments, however, as a single parent and this week has been especially so. To add to this, I feel like somehow my kids know subconsciously that they are headed back to school and more time away from mom and so they all seem to be flocking to me right now. All seem to be wanting to be attached to me or doing anything with me that I might be doing. Even a walk to get some peace and quiet and fresh air today that was intended to be just me and my headphones, ended up with me and three kids- one of which wasn't even my own!

Now the thing is, normally I would feel a lil crazy and be a little extra crabby but I'd just absorb it and do what I needed to do to get by. This week though it seems to be demanding attention and to be listened to. The stress I am feeling in not getting my introverted me time has seemed to bubble over from just the emotional sense to now physical stress as well and it seems I am now wearing signs all over my face that scream "I am stressed and exhausted and my kids need to go back to school!"

For the first time in ages I have completely started to break out - like, meaning acne. I look like I should be 14 and investing in some serious deep pore cleansers or SOMETHING. And then there is my eye. Somehow I managed to burst a blood vessel in it (I suspect my almost 3 year old had something to do with that when he was doing acrobats on the couch next to me and his foot made contact quite close to said eye). It looks absolutely horrible- all blood shot and blood collecting on the one side. And then came the twitching. For three days my lower eye lid twitched off and on. Just as soon as I'd get it to calm down, something would set it off and it would start again.

So here I am yesterday unshowered, no make up, eye twitching, zit faced, wanting nothing more than five minutes to myself and I walk in to the bank. I had a question for the banker and so I popped in to her office. She said something along the lines of "Amy! It's been awhile but you look good!" Had I not been as exhausted as I was, I probably would have launched off on some counter words to her. I probably would have asked her if she was looking at me or pointed out the big ole zit and blood shot eye I have going on and been like "Excuse me? Is THIS what you call looking good?" And then there was also that lil voice of grace that creeped up and so what did I do instead but slid down in to the chair across from her at her desk and said a simple "thanks."

Today as I stood in the bathroom staring back in to this weary, stressed looking reflection of mine and feeling incredibly drained and just in need of recharge time, instead of shaking my head in disgust or beating myself up, I chose to exercise some grace. Instead I chose to go get my tennis shoes, grab my phone and ear buds and to get myself out the door where there was no mirrors, the lighting was better, the air was fresh and I had no walls feeling as if they were about to cave in on me. I wasn't able to escape with out 2 of the three kids and then their friend deciding they needed to come, too, but still I got myself out, got myself in to a place and space that I momentarily forgot about the reflection I saw looking back at me, and I walked in grace.

I've been reflecting on this whole grace thing for about a week now and it's nothing like I expected it to be like. And yet each day I find that my capacity for grace towards myself is growing and that it is even becoming welcome. I am realizing it feels considerably better than some of the other regular tactics in these kinds of moments I've had, and I like them far less than I once did. I am sure I will have my days that my head will spin again with messages and comments of self deprecation or self loathing as I notice like 10 more grey hairs popping or a couple more zits forming, but for today- at least in those moments- grace won and in the last week- is winning. And because of Christ and what He came and did, will ultimately win out. Has already won out, really. And I can't tell you friends how grateful I am for that.

Grace I am finding isn't found in a pretty, zit free face or in feeling well rested and recharged. Grace is found when you are neither of those things and are able to find peace and be ok anyways.

Still, I wish grace came in the form of an amped up zit cream.

On that note, the house is quiet, the little cherubs are sleeping and for me that means recharge time. So until tomorrow... peace.

Stepping Away

Today was one of those days. Many things went wrong. Big things. I didn't sleep well. The kids were bickering all day. It was cloudy and gloomy out. It was just a day. And I was feeling it getting to me. I could feel myself getting grumpy and agitated. I was snapping at the kids and less than patient. I was not a good version of me. I was feeling like the walls were closing in and a bit claustrophobic. Trapped. I needed out. And that was what I did. I got my headphones. Grabbed my phone and the neighbor to watch the kids, laced up my shoes and decided I just needed to go out for a walk. To clear my head. To get some air. To just... move.

Needless to say, my little guy who has been a bit of a magnet to me as of late was pretty bent on not allowing me to go one my own. As much as I desperately needed to be on my own, I grabbed his stroller and off we went. I listened to music. He jabbered and pointed to things here and there that grabbed his attention.

It was a walk. It wasn't super long. It wasn't to anywhere super fabulous or pretty or exciting. And yet for me today, it was grace. It was forgiving myself for the less than great version of me I had been. It was choosing to remove myself from what was and to try to "reset" my day. Without judgment. Without being frustrated or down on myself. By simply going and being and letting my breath and God do what God does. I walked and talked to him. Sought him. I listened to music that always seems to reach me and calm me. I allowed myself to step away and listened to the inner part of me that was telling me she needed to step away.

Grace, as I said before, doesn't always roar. And yet sometimes in side we are roaring and grace is just the thing we need to calm the roar to a purr. I'm not certain I returned from my walk quite in a purr, but I wasn't roaring so much any more and for that I was very grateful.

I'm no pastor. (Yet.)

Since I was young, I've wanted to be a pastor. I've felt a tug on my heart, a deep sense of call that was something so much a part of me; something I couldn't deny or ignore. With my grandpa being a pastor and being raised very closely to him, I had the most wonderful role model and example of what a pastor is and looks like and I have always had a deep connection to him; I think that's because our hearts are the same and hold something that I don't think most people know.

Unfortunately I was raised in a denomination that didn't allow women to be pastors and so I spent a good part of my life exploring other vocations, but continuing to feel with each that they weren't "it". That they weren't what God was calling me to. That there was something different for me.

I found the courage to leave the church denomination I grew up in a few years ago and joined one very similar, and yet different in the sense it allows women to be pastors. And as I went through a period of deep spiritual growth and transformation, that call that had been on my heart for so long began getting louder and louder. Soon, I couldn't ignore it any longer. I ultimately applied to seminary in to a pastoral program and was accepted. Unfortunately, due to life changes and circumstances, I've been prevented from being able to begin but just this last week I had a meeting in which opened the doors back up for me. I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't quite prepared for how well the meeting went and didn't quite know what to do with it, but I left with a deep sense of peace. With a resolution that if it is God's will, it will be done.

In the mean time, I am the Director of Children, Youth and Family Ministries at my church and every now again I get to moonlight in the pulpit and fill in for our pastor when he is gone. I regularly assist worship and always love doing that, but there is something very different about taking on that leadership-pastory role when it's on me to lead the service.

This weekend is one of those weeks when I've been entrusted with the responsibility of leading our service and preaching while our pastor is out of town. As usual, I was excited and grateful and humbled to have the opportunity, but unlike other times, when I received the text for this Sunday I was to preach on, I felt a bit lost. I felt a bit in over my head. Ill equipped. I felt many things, most of which weren't screaming "I've got this."

But the thing is, I haven't had to "have" this. The pastoral call is anything but about me or of me. It is God's call and God's work. With that, even though I am not yet a pastor, when I am entrusted with stepping in to that role, I do so with God's presence and direction.

This week I have struggled with getting my sermon "just right". Even today, the day before I am to preach it, I have spent far too long with it trying to work and rework it to be a certain way. I missed posting last night as I was up until 2 am working on it. And as I have struggled, my instinct was to question what I was doing and whether or not I should be doing it. But instead of doing that, I have chosen grace. I have chosen to resolve to hand it over to God (which is what I should have done from day one!) and to let it just be his. As I have wanted to continue to go over it tonight and to call and read it to my mom or grandpa to get feedback or opinions, I resisted the temptation and allowed myself the grace of letting it be what it is and of trusting in God to be God and to use those words in some way, being at work in and through them.

And so today, grace was about letting God being God. It was about letting God's word be His word. It was instead of dwelling on my words, using my gifts to bring things to the service that weren't originally planned and yet that are going to make it something really beautiful. Because of that I can now feel excited for tomorrow and for this service. My heart is full having been able to share sacred moments with a couple beautiful women as we prepared for it today.

I may not be a pastor... yet. But one day. And in the mean time, I continue to seek to embrace the gift of God's grace that I may be able to better share it's gift with others.

But by the grace of God

Several years ago I ran across the most wonderful little book. It has since become one that I've shared with many of my confirmation students, countless kids on mission trips or youth functions, family and even friends. I originally stumbled across it and picked it up for a good friend, but ended up getting myself a copy as well. Needless to say my copy is showing it's use, with the pages starting to break free from the binding, and the cover getting a little beaten.

This book, Max Lucado's "God think's You're Wonderful", has become a staple for me because of the simplistic and yet beautiful way that it reminds me, reminds all of us really, about who God created us to be and our value in and to Him. Whenever I find myself forgetting or needing a gentle reminder that my Father is here with me, loving me, caring for me- I open up this book and read through it's pages.

Today for me grace meant coming back to this book and to it's messages of worth, love and purpose. It was a day that I desperately needed to loosen my grasp on the worth others and even myself were placing on me and to open my hands and heart to the worth that Christ gives me.

I had a very important meeting today. You see, since the time I was little I have felt a tug and call on my heart to become a pastor. Finally a couple years ago I listened to this call and both applied to seminary - where I was ultimately accepted- but also began the process of candidacy to be able to be ordained one day in the Lutheran Church. Yet life happened and the process has been paused as I've taken time to adjust to new aspects of life and to heal. Well, today was a meeting to discuss re-entering in to that process and it was one I was very anxious about. In my anxiety, thoughts of unkind words of others, negative events of the past, past judgments that have been made about me, etc flooded my mind and I started to question and doubt what I was even doing going to that meeting. What I was even doing considering this process and ultimately call.

Normally speaking, I probably would have sat with those ponderings and doubts for some time and psyched myself out or talked myself out of going. Today though, was different. Today it seems God had different plans for me and instead His grace flooded in. He calmed my anxious heart and helped me to hear the truths. He helped me to find grace for me and to seek out not only this book I mentioned but another that also is so good at reminding me not only who I am but WHOSE I am.

Even after the meeting went well and I left feeling excited and hopeful for what is next, it didn't take long though, for me to revert back to the thoughts I was having before I had gone. To the ones that were telling me a whole lot about me, without really being about me at all. And once  again with God's help, I was able to work to reject the lies and to dwell in the truth. It wasn't perfect. I did fall in to some of the old traps and I felt horrible about that. And yet again grace, to pick myself up, brush myself off and to remind myself that I am His.

Last night I went to bed too exhausted to share about the day. I hesitate to share loads about the day because for me, there was so much grace in simply saying "I need to just get some rest". As simple and short of an entry as that was, there was greatness to it, too.

Today as I think about that and the graces that did find me yesterday - as well as today- and as I think about my meeting, what I am most certain of is a theme that emerged in it of resurrection. A couple years ago I went through a death. It was a death to my old self. A death to some really difficult and painful past things that had nothing but closed me off to God's love and in to accepting who I was. Since then life has begun to open up and to be full of all this wonderful newness and new life, but not until after a period of grief and living in what had died. Not until after I took time to honor and dwell for a while in the loss of what I had known and to find the brevity and strength to move forward into the unknown and new.

Today I celebrate that resurrection I was given and that by God's grace I had and ultimately found that brevity and the courage to embark on the new journey God had set before me. I also celebrate, though, just having started this and coming here and something as simple as giving myself the grace to just take care of me and say I needed to go to sleep last night, because it wasn't all that long ago that something like that is something I couldn't have done.

Grace exists because perfection does not. At least not in us here. That is difficult for me because I so often wish I were or could be. I hate being broken, flawed and human. And yet I am who I am by God's grace and perfect love for me and it's because of that these days of grace thus far, small as some of the gestures have be, mean so much. Signify so much- in terms of me, my struggle, where I've been and where I am going.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of hem- yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." 1 Cor. 15:10.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am..." What beautiful words. They are my truth and my grace today.

Rest

Tonight grace is rest. It's acknowledging I'm exhausted and drained and just need to go to sleep. I will share more tomorrow about today's graces, but for now- this is one.

Goodnight friends.

Expecting the unexpected

 

 

Today ended up being a day that was nothing like I planned or expected. Part of that was because outside of medical appointments for my oldest son, I had nothing planned! I figured and expected it was going to be a day like most others have been this summer and that's about it. It seems however, that our day was meant for much more.

 

Grace became a constant in this day and as each day passes I find myself seeking it more, being more mindful of it, even yearning for it. There are many things that become constants in many days that are pretty far from "grace". For that grace seems like a nice and very welcome change of pace. It also then begs the question of why wouldn't someone- wouldn't I- want to and seek to live in grace every day? I'm not gonna lie- I didn't expect to be landing on that question already, but alas I have as a bit of reality settles in as I am discovering this grace thing is kind of nice.

 

So for me, today grace meant being extra kind and gentle to me. I'm amid a bit of a more struggling time and today was a day that I was aware I was just needing gentleness, patience, love and that little extra grace. And so I chose to give it to me. It seems to their delight, some extra grace also flowed over my kids then today as well and it ended up being one of our best days of the summer together. That was a very welcome surprise and bonus on today's grace journey.

 

Today grace came in the form of an unplanned stop after Matty's dr apt to play at a little park along the river in St. Paul. The kids spotted the water fountains and splashing spots a mile away and it didn't take many pleas from them to convince me to stop. There along the river they played and splashed and got pretty darn wet, but they were each so full of joy in doing so and I have to admit, some of that bubbled over to me as well. I had a zil things to do at home but grace was allowing us time to stop and to allow myself to listen to the little voice and tug in me that said play time and time in the sun was a needed thing today. And so we did.

 

Grace was watching my youngest lil guy Levi climb all the steps up from the bottom of the park that over looked the river - step by step - one at a time- yet with such dedication and persistence. You see, he has gross motor delays and a significant part of that for him is difficulty in maneuvering stairs. And yet he didn't want my help. He was stubborn (I wonder where he get's that...) and insisted on climbing them by himself. I was inspired by his courage and persistence. Grace was allowing myself to reflect on times that I have showed that same kind of courage and persistence as I watched him in his climb up all those stairs. I don't often give myself credit for those kinds of things so that was definitely an act of grace.

 

Grace was letting the kids splash and play and be kids even though they were in their street clothes and it meant we were going to be driving home with soggy seats.

 

Grace was allowing our home to be filled with extra laughter and fun (and maybe a lil bickering, too) as I said yes to allowing the older two kids to each have friends over, even though my chore list for both of them and myself was a mile long.

 

Grace was choosing the sunshine and park with the kids over hibernating in the house and drawing inward.

 

Grace was a very rare trip to the local ice cream shop with all the kids and even getting some myself. I may or may not have regretted that one later with my lactose issues, but there was no body or other shaming in it for me, just soothing the not so sunny places in my heart today with my fav kind of usually off limits to me ice cream.

 

Grace was allowing myself to seek out a very needed hug from a friend today.

 

Grace was persisting and pushing through my sermon prep for Sunday even when the content felt a bit overwhelming and I was struggling to feel like I had any business writing it as it is. I am not a pastor, but I have aspirations of being one and feel a tug to be and so every now and again when my pastor of my church is gone, I step in for him and this upcoming Sunday is one of those Sundays I am doing so. I feel a bit over my head in the text for this week and grace was handing it over to God and allowing him to be at work in and through me and through the text and not being so hard on myself for not fully knowing a direction to go or feeling a great understanding to begin with.

 

Grace was allowing myself to just sit with and feel the emotions of the morning while at my son's appointment and to not judge them or push them away. You see, my oldest son started having seizures late this spring and was found to have a cyst on his brain that was the cause. He ended up having brain surgery but not until after a couple very long and challenging months. As a single mom having to stay brave and stoic and play the role of case manager, social worker, advocate, encourager and comforter, etc etc etc and then mom to my son during this time, it proved to be very wearing. Additionally I had surgery myself during that same time period (the day before he had his brain surgery, actually) and my own recovery then had to spent at the hospital next to his side vs at home where it probably should have been. In recent weeks as the storm of that time has calmed, I have had a bit of a back lash of all the emotion and stress of that time and today was the first day since then of being back in that place, being back in that MRI area where we were so many times, back surrounded by everything that says "sick child" vs healthy one. And it was a bit overwhelming. And yet grace, as I said, was allowing myself when the feelings came as I sat and waited for his MRI to get done, was allowing myself the moments to feel it and sit with it and make peace with it. It didn't feel good. It wasn't fun or what I'd call a good time. But it was necessary and that was a great act of grace.

 

And so I am learning that doing something out of the norm, as offering grace to myself is, and being intentional about living in to the grace God has given, can lead to many unexpected things. Many, unexpected blessings that I'd of never received had I not opened myself up to this time or exploring what living in to God's grace in my life could mean. Today was an example about how different a day can look when one simply opens themselves up to receiving that beautiful gift of grace that they were given. In that I learned that by offering the not norm (grace), that I could come to expect the unexpected. Because grace it seems brings the most beautiful unexpected things.

 

I look forward to continuing to be surprised and blessed in this way and to seeing what other unexpected ventures we take by simply allowing grace to be the driving force.

 

I hope you'll all continue on with me in this journey and find out with me.

 

 

 

 

Extraordinary Grace

Yesterday we had a fill in pastor and in her sermon she talked a whole lot about Elijah. She spoke about his struggles and the darkness, the deep piercing darkness he experienced and how he looked to his journey up Mount Sinai to bring him a great sign of God. To bring him a great indication that God was there, that he hadn't abandoned him. You see, that was the place that God was known to do great things and so there was perhaps an expectation of sorts that God would show his greatness again to him in that place, too.

But the thing is as we listen to the story, what we find out is that the place that God actually meets Elijah, the place he makes his greatness known, is in the ordinary. A great wind comes but God is not in it. The earth shakes in an earthquake and God is not in that either. And then fire. Again, no God. But finally comes silence. And just as it seems that God isn't there- that there is nothing- there God comes. Is. And Elijah realizes the places God had been. How He had been with him all along. How he had cared for him. Walked with him. Heard him and his pleas. And mostly it wasn't in extraordinary places, but in ordinary ones.

Today I found grace not in the extraordinary, but the ordinary. I found God and was led towards grace at the times I least expected to be. And they weren't in huge, incredible ways but in ways that allowed God to whisper "Do you feel me? I am here."

Today I found grace when I allowed myself to share a bit more about me and my story at an appointment and in doing so, was met with an opportunity to take part in and attend a group that will likely be most helpful to me. Today I found grace when a friend offered up time to spend with me and for her daughter to watch my kids for free so she and I could go walking and then she wanted to buy me a drink. I said yes even though such a gift is often hard for me to receive. I encountered grace while walking with said friend as we passed by a community garden and there, towering high was a single, beautiful sunflower, highlighted by the sun setting behind it, just standing there in all it's glory. So simple and yet stunning. It wasn't a part of a group or supported in it's unproportioned, top heavy height. It simply was there, standing tall on it's own, seemingly held up by the glory of the sun behind it. Grace. And then there was grace in the yellow swallowtail butterfly that danced around me before taking it's place high above in a tree.

Grace was in the stillness of the river and the sun setting behind it. The sun seemed to be tucking the river in to bed for the night, pushing at it's seams on the horizon as it dipped down below.

Grace was in allowing my friend to stay for an extra while after getting back to my place instead of pushing her to go.

Perhaps these things, in their ordinary, make them seem small. But for me these ordinary today became extraordinary. And for that I am very grateful. And that then is the theme of my day four: Extraordinary grace.

Fish, Kayaks and an Umbrella of Grace

 

Ever since seeing the movie "Beaches", whenever I am having a bad day- and not like a just crummy day but like a really bad day-  and it also happens to be dreary and rainy out, the song "And I think it's gonna rain today" comes to my mind. Every. Single. Time. And some how the rain outside matches how I feel inside and it feels as if the rain may never stop. It's not as if it feels like it's gonna rain, but like it already is and I somehow feel like I need that validated, all while wondering to myself when it may ever stop. Wondering if it will ever stop.

 

Today was a rainy day and it was also an "And I think it's gonna rain today" kind of day. Like I said, it was a really bad day. And yet grace. We are on this whole grace journey and so even in the rain my mind went to searching for the grace in the day. Went to searching for how to help make the clouds part and rain stop and find peaks of sunshine.

 

Today we were at my niece's birthday party and it was held on a lake. For all intensive purposes that should have been super awesome with plans for all things water fun planned. But right when we pulled up, the rain started. And it rained, and rained and rained. I kept checking the radar as the kids were getting antsy to go out and play. As Levi stared out the patio door towards the lake asking me "Mom- rain? Wet? Stop? Out!" He wanted so badly for the rain to stop so he could go out.

 

Fortunately the clouds did eventually part and my lil Levi was the first outside jumping and splashing in the puddles looking to soak up every ounce of time outside there he could. And soon the puddles began to dry up as the sun broke through and what started as a dreary, wet, rainy day became sunny and warm and all hopes of a fun party at the lake were not lost.

 

Unfortunately my own clouds inside of me weren't parting as quickly as the ones outside and as the kids were joyful to have the sun and be outside, I was feeling less than joyful. Because inside, it was still raining.

 

And yet there was that tug of grace. That whole question in me that stirred and asked "Where are you going to find grace today, Amy?" And that stirring pulled me out towards the water and towards the dock and soon I was taking part in all the things the kids were. I didn't force myself. I wanted to give myself the grace and space to not have to work for it. And naturally it pulled me there and soon I found myself in a very unlikely place.

 

My sister nagged on me a bit to join her in taking the kayaks out. Now I'm not gonna lie- canoeing is something I'll do but don't exactly jump at because I don't like the tippy feeling of them and they make me nervous. That said, anyone who has ever been in a kayak knows the tippiness of a canoe doesn't have anything on that of a kayak. And so I guess that's the long way of saying I really had no interest. But she persisted and so I did the first thing that took grace today. I put on my swimsuit. I did so without gazing back at the image in the mirror. Without placing judgments or commentary. I just put it on. And then I walked out to the dock and got myself in to a kayak. I can't say it was super relaxing or like I'm going to jump right at the opportunity to do it again, but it brought me a sense of... something. Somehow in some way I felt a connection to that little red vessel and the waters I was on. For a few moments I was able to take my gaze off my paddles and away from my fears of tipping and to take a look around and to take in the lake and allow it so hold me in it's peaceful embrace. Somehow in that something, what I found sitting out there on that lake.. was grace.

 

What drew me back to the shore was the pleading of the kids to fish. They really really wanted to fish and being something I enjoy, I decided I'd join them. Now I don't know if you've ever fished with kids, but pretty much fishing with kids means well, you don't fish. ha! And while I like to fish, I am no expert and as I got out of the kayak and headed towards the kids with their poles I did so with the assumption my brother in law was joining us as to be the one to deal with the tangled lines and messes and more importantly taking those slimy, scaly, stinky fish off the hooks when they caught them. Well to my surprise, Uncle Justin wasn't going to be the fishing help. And before I even had time to reconsider my niece had her first fish dangling from the end of her rod exclaiming "Aunty Amy! Help me get my fish off!"

 

I love fishing. I kinda like eating fish. I'll bait a hook with a worm (none of those leaches though). But I don't touch fish. Yet somehow in that moment, it was the thing to do. Somehow rather than chasing down my brother in law or disappointing the kids with putting and end to their fishing adventure because Aunty Amy doesn't touch fish- I manned up. I grabbed the fish in my hand and worked the hook out of the mouth before chucking the fish back in to the lake. I barely had a second to stop and think about it before the next "Aunty Amy! Aunty Amy! I have a fish!" And so it began. Fish after fish, hook after hook, until the worms were used up and it was time to pack up to head home.

 

I don't know that I can really articulate it, but some how- more than pride or anything else, what I feel in those actions of taking each of those fish in my hands, is grace. And perhaps it's because I never let myself doubt me or my ability. Perhaps it's because I didn't let myself talk me out of it. Perhaps it's because I pushed through all the rain to help bring joy to the little hearts of my nieces and my own kids.

 

"And I think it's gonna rain today.."

 

It did. It rained today. Rained a lot. It's still kinda drippy. Or a lot drippy. But through fish and kayaks, grace became my umbrella. Grace shielded me if only for a while from the rain that at first glance, threatened to ruin an entire day. But it didn't.

 

As I said yesterday, grace doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's the little voice that says "I will try again tomorrow." Even though today was a rainy tomorrow, I am grateful for the umbrella of grace and for the gifts it brought.

 

Day 3.

Courage and Grace

There is a saying that says "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's the tiny voice that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.' " I think this is a lot like grace. At least for me. Grace for me isn't always a roaring and big and bold thing. I think it can be but the ways I am experiencing grace most right now, the ways I am seeking it and discovering it- they aren't in the big moments or the roaring ones. They are in the small and gentle ones. The baby steps. The necessary steps.

Two days of grace already looks different than I thought it would. At first I thought it was going to look really health and body focused and it's had it's part, certainly. I've filled up on fresh veggies and chicken and healthier things for me. I've taken walks and gotten outside and not stayed pent up in the house all day. I allowed myself to not get on the scale this morning because I knew it would set me off and I'd struggle today when I saw a number that I knew I'd be displeased and frustrated with. And so certainly, health and body has had it's focus. But so has something different.

So far, coming here- just starting it- instead of some of the alternatives- that's a whole lot of grace right there. Seeking help and support from others and not judging that or the need? Grace. Allowing myself the freedom to take some extra time wandering mindlessly through Target tonight vs packing in a bunch of extra work hours? Grace. Allowing myself to get a birthday present for Levi while at said Target because it was 70% off  without guilting myself into the ground because it's a horrible, tight financial week? Grace. Staring at the sunset over the river. Listening. Watching. Holding still. Grace.

So you see, grace doesn't always roar. But it's the little things- the little graces- that are what help us get through and survive each day. That help us- help me- to be here for another tomorrow.

Here ends the second day.

So what is grace, anyways?

 

So I am here and have started this blog and it's about grace. That lends itself to the question of just what is this thing called grace anyways and why does it matter? Matter enough to spend 100 days focusing on and blogging about.

 

Well, as you see above, grace is an act of love, of kindness, of forgiveness, of favor towards another. Yet more than that, it's one that can be both unasked for and more greatly, undeserved.

As a Christian I believe that the ultimate act of grace came through Jesus Christ in dying on the cross. Came through God loving us so much that he sent his Son to die for us, conquering sin and death and the power of the devil, that we would some day be able to live in eternity with him. And he did so by no doing of our own but simply by his great love for us.

And why does that matter? Well because of eternity of course! Because of the hope that it offers this life. Because of the freedom. We no longer have to live a life trying to redeem ourselves or our wrong doings or short comings. We never have to try to "right" things with God or to earn a place in His eternal kingdom. When Christ died on that cross and rose from the grave, those things became ours. Our sanctification. Our salvation. They were wrapped up, tagged with our name and hand delivered to each one of us in the ultimate and greatest act of love.

 

So now we have this grace- this beautiful, wonderful grace - well now what?

 

The answer is that we are called to live in it and into it. To live a life free of the binding chains of sin and death and to go and tell and freely share the love of God with others. And yet part of that, is that we are also supposed to share it with ourselves. We are supposed to offer ourselves the same love and care and gentleness and grace that we have been given through Christ. Yet so many of us struggle to do that. So many of us struggle to live in to the grace that has been bestowed on us. In the freedom of it. The peace of it. The JOY of it. And that my friends. That is what this blog is all about.

 

So many of us live in the trenches. The trenches of our sins, our guilt, our shame, our imperfections. Even though we've been freed from them, we stay there and dwell there and continue to focus on them and punish ourselves for them trying to somehow redeem ourselves. And yet this is for no reason. "He is not here- He is risen!" the angel said. And the same goes for us. "Do not stay here- He is risen", friends! Do not stay in the trenches. Do not swim in self doubt or any of the things that keep us bound and shackled and from doing anything but living freely and openly and joyfully under the cross.

 

And yet as I say that- as I want to scream it- to cheerlead it to all of you, I too, too often stay in these trenches and live and act and treat myself as if I was never freed from them. I am sombered and convicted in that. And yet I am feeling like it's time to move from them. To live more wholly and freely in to the freedom I was given. I was not sent here to live a life in the trenches and neither were any of you. And so today, day 1- the crawl out begins.

100 Days of Grace

 

 

Today I start this blog. This journey... towards grace. No, that's not true. That makes it sound as if it's something to be attained, and truth be told, I've already been given it. Maybe more accurately then I should say this is a journey IN grace. A journey in living in God's grace, really living in it and in to it, and seeing what effect it has on my life. I guess in some ways then it's also an experiment. An experiment to see what happens when God's grace is truly embraced, truly liven in to, truly shared.

 

I've felt a tug on my heart to start this blog for some time and that tug has only increased in recent weeks and days until finally, it's clear it's time. As I have trudged through life's trenches and struggled and stumbled over and over, I have been forced to take an honest look at what I am doing- or not doing!- that may be keeping me there. That may be holding me in those places that are so challenging and painful and not helpful. And in some ways, they are simply life things. Life happens. Evil happens. Pain happens. Trenches and life go hand in hand. But those aren't the trenches I am talking about. The trenches I am referring to are the ones I create or have created for myself. They are the ones, that I have already been freed from but for some reason or another haven't left or freed myself from. They are the trenches... that I have no reason to be living in.

So then why I am I?

 

As I have gone through a time of discernment and soul searching what has come most apparent to me that the thing that holds me in some of these places, the thing that holds me back the most in this life- it's not the "life" given challenges or trenches. It's not God's lack of love or grace or help for me. It's not lack of support or community or help. Instead, it's my own lack of love and grace for me. Ouch. Talk about rough revelation. You see how does one so compelled and full of fire to share the love and grace and hope of God, fail to find it and live in to it herself?

 

Hence, why I am here. To explore that very question. And more than that, to spend time as I explore it, being intentional to live more fully and wholly in to the gift of grace already given to me. I don't know, but I suspect that doing so is going to bring me to places I didn't expect or intend and I think that's ok. You see it doesn't feel like it's about a place I am supposed to land or some clear destination at the end of these 100 days, but rather the journey of it and to simply see how life is different 100 days from now than it is today.

 

Why 100 days? What's so magic about that? Well, nothing really! It just sounded like a good number and it flowed! ha! But that was the number on my heart and so 100 days it is!

 

So what does living in to God's grace look like anyways? What does me having more grace for me look like or sound like or feel like? Well, again that's to be determined. But for starters I think it is going to be about being kinder to myself. About taking care of me and my body. About being intentional to feed it well with good and healthy things and to exercise and rest it. It's going to be about replacing some of the usual brain chatter and self talk with different words and phrases. It's going to be about allowing myself to fail, to not always get everything right, to not have to be perfect. It's going to be about forgiveness. Letting go. Not holding grudges towards me or others. That's a mighty tall order! ha! And a lot for 100 days! But I trust that if God has led me to this time, that He will walk with me in and through it and will help me in these places that I have so struggled in.  

 

And so my friends, I am glad you are here. That said, this journey isn't for you. It's for me and it's mine. I am ok if no one follows it with me, or if ten or 100 people do. I am sharing it to help keep me accountable. To help me stay focused. That said, I think it's foolish to struggle, to journey, to grow and to learn and to not help one another. And so if my sharing is a help or inspiration to someone else, let it be that.

 

So visit or don't visit this blog as often or not often as you wish! And in the mean time I hope and pray that you yourselves may be filled with the grace and love and peace of God that transcends all understanding.