Since I was young, I've wanted to be a pastor. I've felt a tug on my heart, a deep sense of call that was something so much a part of me; something I couldn't deny or ignore. With my grandpa being a pastor and being raised very closely to him, I had the most wonderful role model and example of what a pastor is and looks like and I have always had a deep connection to him; I think that's because our hearts are the same and hold something that I don't think most people know.
Unfortunately I was raised in a denomination that didn't allow women to be pastors and so I spent a good part of my life exploring other vocations, but continuing to feel with each that they weren't "it". That they weren't what God was calling me to. That there was something different for me.
I found the courage to leave the church denomination I grew up in a few years ago and joined one very similar, and yet different in the sense it allows women to be pastors. And as I went through a period of deep spiritual growth and transformation, that call that had been on my heart for so long began getting louder and louder. Soon, I couldn't ignore it any longer. I ultimately applied to seminary in to a pastoral program and was accepted. Unfortunately, due to life changes and circumstances, I've been prevented from being able to begin but just this last week I had a meeting in which opened the doors back up for me. I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't quite prepared for how well the meeting went and didn't quite know what to do with it, but I left with a deep sense of peace. With a resolution that if it is God's will, it will be done.
In the mean time, I am the Director of Children, Youth and Family Ministries at my church and every now again I get to moonlight in the pulpit and fill in for our pastor when he is gone. I regularly assist worship and always love doing that, but there is something very different about taking on that leadership-pastory role when it's on me to lead the service.
This weekend is one of those weeks when I've been entrusted with the responsibility of leading our service and preaching while our pastor is out of town. As usual, I was excited and grateful and humbled to have the opportunity, but unlike other times, when I received the text for this Sunday I was to preach on, I felt a bit lost. I felt a bit in over my head. Ill equipped. I felt many things, most of which weren't screaming "I've got this."
But the thing is, I haven't had to "have" this. The pastoral call is anything but about me or of me. It is God's call and God's work. With that, even though I am not yet a pastor, when I am entrusted with stepping in to that role, I do so with God's presence and direction.
This week I have struggled with getting my sermon "just right". Even today, the day before I am to preach it, I have spent far too long with it trying to work and rework it to be a certain way. I missed posting last night as I was up until 2 am working on it. And as I have struggled, my instinct was to question what I was doing and whether or not I should be doing it. But instead of doing that, I have chosen grace. I have chosen to resolve to hand it over to God (which is what I should have done from day one!) and to let it just be his. As I have wanted to continue to go over it tonight and to call and read it to my mom or grandpa to get feedback or opinions, I resisted the temptation and allowed myself the grace of letting it be what it is and of trusting in God to be God and to use those words in some way, being at work in and through them.
And so today, grace was about letting God being God. It was about letting God's word be His word. It was instead of dwelling on my words, using my gifts to bring things to the service that weren't originally planned and yet that are going to make it something really beautiful. Because of that I can now feel excited for tomorrow and for this service. My heart is full having been able to share sacred moments with a couple beautiful women as we prepared for it today.
I may not be a pastor... yet. But one day. And in the mean time, I continue to seek to embrace the gift of God's grace that I may be able to better share it's gift with others.
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