Ever since seeing the movie "Beaches", whenever I am having a bad day- and not like a just crummy day but like a really bad day- and it also happens to be dreary and rainy out, the song "And I think it's gonna rain today" comes to my mind. Every. Single. Time. And some how the rain outside matches how I feel inside and it feels as if the rain may never stop. It's not as if it feels like it's gonna rain, but like it already is and I somehow feel like I need that validated, all while wondering to myself when it may ever stop. Wondering if it will ever stop.
Today was a rainy day and it was also an "And I think it's gonna rain today" kind of day. Like I said, it was a really bad day. And yet grace. We are on this whole grace journey and so even in the rain my mind went to searching for the grace in the day. Went to searching for how to help make the clouds part and rain stop and find peaks of sunshine.
Today we were at my niece's birthday party and it was held on a lake. For all intensive purposes that should have been super awesome with plans for all things water fun planned. But right when we pulled up, the rain started. And it rained, and rained and rained. I kept checking the radar as the kids were getting antsy to go out and play. As Levi stared out the patio door towards the lake asking me "Mom- rain? Wet? Stop? Out!" He wanted so badly for the rain to stop so he could go out.
Fortunately the clouds did eventually part and my lil Levi was the first outside jumping and splashing in the puddles looking to soak up every ounce of time outside there he could. And soon the puddles began to dry up as the sun broke through and what started as a dreary, wet, rainy day became sunny and warm and all hopes of a fun party at the lake were not lost.
Unfortunately my own clouds inside of me weren't parting as quickly as the ones outside and as the kids were joyful to have the sun and be outside, I was feeling less than joyful. Because inside, it was still raining.
And yet there was that tug of grace. That whole question in me that stirred and asked "Where are you going to find grace today, Amy?" And that stirring pulled me out towards the water and towards the dock and soon I was taking part in all the things the kids were. I didn't force myself. I wanted to give myself the grace and space to not have to work for it. And naturally it pulled me there and soon I found myself in a very unlikely place.
My sister nagged on me a bit to join her in taking the kayaks out. Now I'm not gonna lie- canoeing is something I'll do but don't exactly jump at because I don't like the tippy feeling of them and they make me nervous. That said, anyone who has ever been in a kayak knows the tippiness of a canoe doesn't have anything on that of a kayak. And so I guess that's the long way of saying I really had no interest. But she persisted and so I did the first thing that took grace today. I put on my swimsuit. I did so without gazing back at the image in the mirror. Without placing judgments or commentary. I just put it on. And then I walked out to the dock and got myself in to a kayak. I can't say it was super relaxing or like I'm going to jump right at the opportunity to do it again, but it brought me a sense of... something. Somehow in some way I felt a connection to that little red vessel and the waters I was on. For a few moments I was able to take my gaze off my paddles and away from my fears of tipping and to take a look around and to take in the lake and allow it so hold me in it's peaceful embrace. Somehow in that something, what I found sitting out there on that lake.. was grace.
What drew me back to the shore was the pleading of the kids to fish. They really really wanted to fish and being something I enjoy, I decided I'd join them. Now I don't know if you've ever fished with kids, but pretty much fishing with kids means well, you don't fish. ha! And while I like to fish, I am no expert and as I got out of the kayak and headed towards the kids with their poles I did so with the assumption my brother in law was joining us as to be the one to deal with the tangled lines and messes and more importantly taking those slimy, scaly, stinky fish off the hooks when they caught them. Well to my surprise, Uncle Justin wasn't going to be the fishing help. And before I even had time to reconsider my niece had her first fish dangling from the end of her rod exclaiming "Aunty Amy! Help me get my fish off!"
I love fishing. I kinda like eating fish. I'll bait a hook with a worm (none of those leaches though). But I don't touch fish. Yet somehow in that moment, it was the thing to do. Somehow rather than chasing down my brother in law or disappointing the kids with putting and end to their fishing adventure because Aunty Amy doesn't touch fish- I manned up. I grabbed the fish in my hand and worked the hook out of the mouth before chucking the fish back in to the lake. I barely had a second to stop and think about it before the next "Aunty Amy! Aunty Amy! I have a fish!" And so it began. Fish after fish, hook after hook, until the worms were used up and it was time to pack up to head home.
I don't know that I can really articulate it, but some how- more than pride or anything else, what I feel in those actions of taking each of those fish in my hands, is grace. And perhaps it's because I never let myself doubt me or my ability. Perhaps it's because I didn't let myself talk me out of it. Perhaps it's because I pushed through all the rain to help bring joy to the little hearts of my nieces and my own kids.
"And I think it's gonna rain today.."
It did. It rained today. Rained a lot. It's still kinda drippy. Or a lot drippy. But through fish and kayaks, grace became my umbrella. Grace shielded me if only for a while from the rain that at first glance, threatened to ruin an entire day. But it didn't.
As I said yesterday, grace doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's the little voice that says "I will try again tomorrow." Even though today was a rainy tomorrow, I am grateful for the umbrella of grace and for the gifts it brought.
Day 3.
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