As summer break nears it's end, I guess you could say it is starting to take it's toll on me just a little. As an introverted single mom of three kids, while I enjoy spending time with them and venturing throughout the summer, come this time of August I am almost always ready for them to go back to school. Especially weeks like this one when the weather is crummy and we have been all cooped up inside. Everyone is tired and crabby and a lil bit stir crazy. We've braved the rainy skies and gone on a couple of walks, but they just haven't been enough to bring us all back down to earth a little.
As an introvert, my personal energy renewal requires time apart from people and alone. While I generally enjoy being around people and work in a very heavy people contact profession, in order to recharge my batteries and feel like I have something to offer, I require time to myself. Time to lay on the couch, zone out to a lil Little House on the Prairie or something, and to just be. And to be at it- alone.
It is difficult to get those moments, however, as a single parent and this week has been especially so. To add to this, I feel like somehow my kids know subconsciously that they are headed back to school and more time away from mom and so they all seem to be flocking to me right now. All seem to be wanting to be attached to me or doing anything with me that I might be doing. Even a walk to get some peace and quiet and fresh air today that was intended to be just me and my headphones, ended up with me and three kids- one of which wasn't even my own!
Now the thing is, normally I would feel a lil crazy and be a little extra crabby but I'd just absorb it and do what I needed to do to get by. This week though it seems to be demanding attention and to be listened to. The stress I am feeling in not getting my introverted me time has seemed to bubble over from just the emotional sense to now physical stress as well and it seems I am now wearing signs all over my face that scream "I am stressed and exhausted and my kids need to go back to school!"
For the first time in ages I have completely started to break out - like, meaning acne. I look like I should be 14 and investing in some serious deep pore cleansers or SOMETHING. And then there is my eye. Somehow I managed to burst a blood vessel in it (I suspect my almost 3 year old had something to do with that when he was doing acrobats on the couch next to me and his foot made contact quite close to said eye). It looks absolutely horrible- all blood shot and blood collecting on the one side. And then came the twitching. For three days my lower eye lid twitched off and on. Just as soon as I'd get it to calm down, something would set it off and it would start again.
So here I am yesterday unshowered, no make up, eye twitching, zit faced, wanting nothing more than five minutes to myself and I walk in to the bank. I had a question for the banker and so I popped in to her office. She said something along the lines of "Amy! It's been awhile but you look good!" Had I not been as exhausted as I was, I probably would have launched off on some counter words to her. I probably would have asked her if she was looking at me or pointed out the big ole zit and blood shot eye I have going on and been like "Excuse me? Is THIS what you call looking good?" And then there was also that lil voice of grace that creeped up and so what did I do instead but slid down in to the chair across from her at her desk and said a simple "thanks."
Today as I stood in the bathroom staring back in to this weary, stressed looking reflection of mine and feeling incredibly drained and just in need of recharge time, instead of shaking my head in disgust or beating myself up, I chose to exercise some grace. Instead I chose to go get my tennis shoes, grab my phone and ear buds and to get myself out the door where there was no mirrors, the lighting was better, the air was fresh and I had no walls feeling as if they were about to cave in on me. I wasn't able to escape with out 2 of the three kids and then their friend deciding they needed to come, too, but still I got myself out, got myself in to a place and space that I momentarily forgot about the reflection I saw looking back at me, and I walked in grace.
I've been reflecting on this whole grace thing for about a week now and it's nothing like I expected it to be like. And yet each day I find that my capacity for grace towards myself is growing and that it is even becoming welcome. I am realizing it feels considerably better than some of the other regular tactics in these kinds of moments I've had, and I like them far less than I once did. I am sure I will have my days that my head will spin again with messages and comments of self deprecation or self loathing as I notice like 10 more grey hairs popping or a couple more zits forming, but for today- at least in those moments- grace won and in the last week- is winning. And because of Christ and what He came and did, will ultimately win out. Has already won out, really. And I can't tell you friends how grateful I am for that.
Grace I am finding isn't found in a pretty, zit free face or in feeling well rested and recharged. Grace is found when you are neither of those things and are able to find peace and be ok anyways.
Still, I wish grace came in the form of an amped up zit cream.
On that note, the house is quiet, the little cherubs are sleeping and for me that means recharge time. So until tomorrow... peace.
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