Today ended up being a day that was nothing like I planned or expected. Part of that was because outside of medical appointments for my oldest son, I had nothing planned! I figured and expected it was going to be a day like most others have been this summer and that's about it. It seems however, that our day was meant for much more.
Grace became a constant in this day and as each day passes I find myself seeking it more, being more mindful of it, even yearning for it. There are many things that become constants in many days that are pretty far from "grace". For that grace seems like a nice and very welcome change of pace. It also then begs the question of why wouldn't someone- wouldn't I- want to and seek to live in grace every day? I'm not gonna lie- I didn't expect to be landing on that question already, but alas I have as a bit of reality settles in as I am discovering this grace thing is kind of nice.
So for me, today grace meant being extra kind and gentle to me. I'm amid a bit of a more struggling time and today was a day that I was aware I was just needing gentleness, patience, love and that little extra grace. And so I chose to give it to me. It seems to their delight, some extra grace also flowed over my kids then today as well and it ended up being one of our best days of the summer together. That was a very welcome surprise and bonus on today's grace journey.
Today grace came in the form of an unplanned stop after Matty's dr apt to play at a little park along the river in St. Paul. The kids spotted the water fountains and splashing spots a mile away and it didn't take many pleas from them to convince me to stop. There along the river they played and splashed and got pretty darn wet, but they were each so full of joy in doing so and I have to admit, some of that bubbled over to me as well. I had a zil things to do at home but grace was allowing us time to stop and to allow myself to listen to the little voice and tug in me that said play time and time in the sun was a needed thing today. And so we did.
Grace was watching my youngest lil guy Levi climb all the steps up from the bottom of the park that over looked the river - step by step - one at a time- yet with such dedication and persistence. You see, he has gross motor delays and a significant part of that for him is difficulty in maneuvering stairs. And yet he didn't want my help. He was stubborn (I wonder where he get's that...) and insisted on climbing them by himself. I was inspired by his courage and persistence. Grace was allowing myself to reflect on times that I have showed that same kind of courage and persistence as I watched him in his climb up all those stairs. I don't often give myself credit for those kinds of things so that was definitely an act of grace.
Grace was letting the kids splash and play and be kids even though they were in their street clothes and it meant we were going to be driving home with soggy seats.
Grace was allowing our home to be filled with extra laughter and fun (and maybe a lil bickering, too) as I said yes to allowing the older two kids to each have friends over, even though my chore list for both of them and myself was a mile long.
Grace was choosing the sunshine and park with the kids over hibernating in the house and drawing inward.
Grace was a very rare trip to the local ice cream shop with all the kids and even getting some myself. I may or may not have regretted that one later with my lactose issues, but there was no body or other shaming in it for me, just soothing the not so sunny places in my heart today with my fav kind of usually off limits to me ice cream.
Grace was allowing myself to seek out a very needed hug from a friend today.
Grace was persisting and pushing through my sermon prep for Sunday even when the content felt a bit overwhelming and I was struggling to feel like I had any business writing it as it is. I am not a pastor, but I have aspirations of being one and feel a tug to be and so every now and again when my pastor of my church is gone, I step in for him and this upcoming Sunday is one of those Sundays I am doing so. I feel a bit over my head in the text for this week and grace was handing it over to God and allowing him to be at work in and through me and through the text and not being so hard on myself for not fully knowing a direction to go or feeling a great understanding to begin with.
Grace was allowing myself to just sit with and feel the emotions of the morning while at my son's appointment and to not judge them or push them away. You see, my oldest son started having seizures late this spring and was found to have a cyst on his brain that was the cause. He ended up having brain surgery but not until after a couple very long and challenging months. As a single mom having to stay brave and stoic and play the role of case manager, social worker, advocate, encourager and comforter, etc etc etc and then mom to my son during this time, it proved to be very wearing. Additionally I had surgery myself during that same time period (the day before he had his brain surgery, actually) and my own recovery then had to spent at the hospital next to his side vs at home where it probably should have been. In recent weeks as the storm of that time has calmed, I have had a bit of a back lash of all the emotion and stress of that time and today was the first day since then of being back in that place, being back in that MRI area where we were so many times, back surrounded by everything that says "sick child" vs healthy one. And it was a bit overwhelming. And yet grace, as I said, was allowing myself when the feelings came as I sat and waited for his MRI to get done, was allowing myself the moments to feel it and sit with it and make peace with it. It didn't feel good. It wasn't fun or what I'd call a good time. But it was necessary and that was a great act of grace.
And so I am learning that doing something out of the norm, as offering grace to myself is, and being intentional about living in to the grace God has given, can lead to many unexpected things. Many, unexpected blessings that I'd of never received had I not opened myself up to this time or exploring what living in to God's grace in my life could mean. Today was an example about how different a day can look when one simply opens themselves up to receiving that beautiful gift of grace that they were given. In that I learned that by offering the not norm (grace), that I could come to expect the unexpected. Because grace it seems brings the most beautiful unexpected things.
I look forward to continuing to be surprised and blessed in this way and to seeing what other unexpected ventures we take by simply allowing grace to be the driving force.
I hope you'll all continue on with me in this journey and find out with me.
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